Identity

This is a very condensed version of my journey. Lots of pains and struggles and things God did were cut out, but this is the most important pieces to get the whole picture. I could literally write for hours about this so I had to shorten it.

For the longest time I did not really understand when people said you need to love who God created you to be. Probably because I was as a middle school girl who really had no who I was. I had a long journey of even finding out what made me tick and why God created me the way that he did. (Quite frankly I am still on that journey and will be for the rest of my life) I fell deep into the comparison trap and had a long journey discovering who Adeline truly was.

In middle school I was very insecure. Like I said I had no idea who I was. Elementary school was easy for me and I always had a lot of friends. Once middle school hit I was forced to find new friends and meet new people if I even wanted to survive. I encountered the first pressures of trying to fit in. I remember Ugg boots and Pink clothes and Sperrys and all these trends that I thought I had to live up to. I had created an image in my head of who I wanted to be and if I failed at creating that then I saw myself as a failure. I did not accept who I was.

At that point I was a very sweaty girl. It is funny now looking back because I only sweat a lot running. But back then it was all the time. And to add to it Aeropostale shirts were trendy and those things shirts were tight on the arm pits and I sweat like crazy. So add that to my insecurities box.

I played soccer and I had since like kindergarten. Before this point I had no problems playing on my rec team and thriving as an awesome forward. But then all this girls were on club teams with their cool jackets and I felt like I was not a real soccer player if I was not on a club team. (Later I found that it was for the best I never played on one and my fears of making high school soccer would be useless in the long run)

There was just a lot of ways I wanted to fit in and I seriously had not a clue who I was. I was not putting my identity in Christ. To add on to it I never even thought about if any of these things I wanted were worth it. I was grasping for things of the world that would never satisfy. I wanted to be popular because that's what you do. I probably hurt many friendships in my ongoing battle to stardom as I would see it. I was such a self-centered being at that point it pains me. (note in 2019: THANK YOU JESUS I NEVER GOT WITH THE PEOPLE I WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH THEN). I just wanted everything the world had to offer and had no idea why, it was just what you did.

I also felt like it was my duty to figure out God's calling on my life HAHA. I was a little ahead of those around me lets just say, but I was determined to find out what God called me to. This whole thing was a little odd and I kept convincing myself I would go be a missionary at like 14 which I mean rad, but um come on Adeline stop taking God and putting him into your world. I had no concept of just freely allowing God to infect my heart, but rather to just dribble him in here and there. But that's for another post...

This whole mindset followed me to High School for my freshman year. I was determined to play high school soccer and again I wanted to be popular. At this time though it was not popular like the crazy partiers but just within the group of affluent honors students. Sometimes I feel like the pressure from that group to be perfect was almost more detrimental than the partiers. Everyone was at each others throats constantly and we all always had to measure up or else you just felt like a stupid smart kid. Again as an education major I could go all in to the crazy society of honors programs and our educational system but for another time... I wanted to be the best at everything. I was wanting the world and wanting Jesus at the same time. Let me tell you that is dangerous and not worth the pain.

You cannot have the world and have a life all out for Jesus.

I was searching everywhere for approval and was not resting in the promises of the Lord when it came to school. I would not trust the Lord to provide in school or even give me peace. I wanted full control.

I remember for months before my soccer tryouts I would freak out about not making the team and my entire life being over. I would try to measure up to these seemingly "perfect" girls and their cool shoes and toned legs. The politics of the sport were also awful and I clearly was not high on the ladder being a rec player previously. I was definitely not in the best shape at that point which added another factor of mental fatigue and a self-image drop.

Fast forward I made the team, but to be honest it was not anything I had hoped for at all. I wasn't playing the position I played because I was not fast enough, the team had some very bad influences, and of course there was drama. All I had wanted was to be on the dang team and once I got it I was disappointed. Finally after hating all the pressure and stupid drama I prayed. I asked God to show me a way out of this madness of soccer. To give me something better. To give me friends that truly cared for me and supported me. To give me a better self-image.

On April 28th, 2016 God answered this prayer. We had a fun day at practice and we were split into teams and had to find a scavenger hunt to find a four leaf clover. We were in cleats next to the parking lot. My friend found one and we all sprinted back to win... Well one girl on the other team took it. So me being my competitive self went and tackled the girl. I slipped in my cleats on the parking lot (I can point out the exact spot to this day) and I fell and hit my head. This part is a little hazy but I was very disoriented and I was sent to the trainer's room. Obviously I had a concussion. I was so devastated, but then I remembered God. I remembered my prayer. He had given me a way out. After that I prayed for peace as I laid on that trainer's table and everything started to just fall into place (unintentional pun). After this I was upset, but very happy about what God had done.

After that season I was done with soccer. I tried to tell myself I would do soccer again, but funny thing is my concussion symptoms returned atypically and I had to do physical therapy for 10 weeks. Then I knew I could not do soccer again. I had to start running for PT and that is where my love of running began. I loved the way I felt and how God spoke to me through running. It was a beautiful story that unfolded after that.

I remember riding home on the bus the day of the soccer meeting for my sophomore year and feeling freed. I was freed from all the pain, I felt like I had finally figured out who I was in Christ. I learned that I did not have to have the world's approval. I did not have to measure up. God would use me in mighty ways if I just let go of the world and clung onto him instead.

God did give me those friends and a sport I love and overall a better high school experience. I have some of the best and closest few friends that I know will stick with me through everything.

I went on to not care about where I was on the class rank or GPA and ended with highest honors at graduation by just being myself and working hard because of the abilities God gave me, not to beat everyone else. As much as I was proud of those honors I was more proud of how I stopped worrying about every test and started to worry about how I was learning and growing. I ran track 3 years and xc 2 years both ending with District medals and Sectional qualifying runs. I have become very fit and it is great, but it is not who I am. I use working out as a way to honor God and it is awesome!

Then on God took me on a journey to physical health and spiritual

health that has been so amazing. He has taught me a lot and is continuing to teach me daily. I feel like a totally different person than I was back then and I am grateful for the process. I can put a smile on my face knowing whose I am and be proud of all the work to love who I am in Him. I have learned how to treat my body well and enjoy life abundantly with Christ. My identity no longer rests in the world and is unwavering. I can rest assured everyday for the rest of my life knowing I am a Child of God. There is so much that has happened, good and bad, since then that has really matured me in my identity. But the biggest is always rooting myself as a Child of God and everything else follows.

Overall, much of my middle school and early high school trauma and pains could have been avoided if I would have rooted myself in what I constantly heard at church, yet failed to recognize what was happening until well into my freshman year. Through those years I could have been whispering to myself "you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you are Christ's masterpiece, nothing in this world will satisfy your needs, you are a child of God, loved infinitely by the Father who has a much greater plan for your life than this." But instead I was telling myself "if only your hair looked like that, if only you were that fit, if only you had those friends." I needed someone to grab me and shake me and just tell me that this world does not have what I want. I needed someone to show me the deep love and grace the Father lavishes upon us so we do not have to live up to the standards of the world...

Well that happened the end of my freshman year and it changed my world. I was told over and over by many mentors and people in my life that I am a beautiful child of God who is loved by the Father and this world will never satisfy. I no longer had to worry about who I wanted to be in this world, but rather embrace who God had created me to be.

I believe everyone needs mentors or people older in their life to teach them and guide them through situations especially in early teen years. It is vital for your spiritual well-being. Journaling is also a huge aspect of my own life that I really adapted about 6 years ago to get out feelings, prayers, and to just figure out where my heart truly is at.

I think a lot of these lessons I have learned come from spiritual maturity, but also from people around me pouring into me until I finally heard the words they were speaking.

Our lives are not meant to be clinging onto the world while stuffing some Jesus in out pockets. It is meant to totally let go of this world and cling onto the great love of Jesus who wants us to live life abundantly with him.

Stop grabbing onto the world and start clinging to Jesus. He will show you a much greater life and identity than the one you think you want.